All credit to human ingenuity for being such an amazing thing. Just compare and contrast how we were a hundred years ago to how we are now. Your mind will be blown by how far we’ve advanced. We’ve gone from sending each other snail mail to being able to communicate with anyone in the world at a moment’s notice. We’ve gone from gathering around the local bard or minstrel to bingeing on Netflix. Not all inventions were made equal, however. Some make us scratch our heads and wonder what the hell the inventor was thinking, while some make us wonder why we never thought of the invention ourselves. Well, for this roundup—and for sheer entertainment’s sake—we’ve scoured the internet to find a bit of both. So, read on!
CUP HOLDER UMBRELLA
It’s not easy to carry a full cup of coffee while carrying other things. Indeed, we’ve all been through this balancing act at one point or another, and it doesn’t infrequently end in perfectly good coffee being spilled. Luckily—or, maybe, weirdly—some enterprising individual came up with the idea of incorporating a cup holder into an umbrella, making the task of holding both much easier. Now one’s other arm will be perfectly free to hold other things. It is, to some degree, a great idea—and one that we think should have been invented a long time ago.
ROTATING 360° SOCKETS
Messy and tangled wiring is the bane of any neat freak’s existence. Unfortunately, it is also unavoidable, given the innumerable gadgets and charging adapters we are asked to contend with on a daily basis. There are various concoctions in the market that are supposed to mitigate this annoyance that works to varying degrees of success, but none really make the problem disappear. Well, at least until now. Because this 360° rotating socket thingamajig seems to be primed to make the aforementioned problem a thing of the past. It’s called the Echogear Power Strip Surge Protector, and, if its online ratings are any indication, Amazon buyers seem to think it gets the job done without a hitch.
ONION HOLDER
If you are, like me, an absolute novice in the kitchen. And if your knife skills are as so terrible as to be embarrassing, then this might be a product that will interest you. It is a really simple product—so simple, in fact, that we’re wondering why it took so long for someone to invent. It works quite well, too, and whoever came up with this thing deserves a lot of credit. Just stick it to an onion (or the vegetable of your choice) and let the comb-like teeth guide your knife into cutting it with perfect symmetry. Trust us, the finished product will look like it was trustily handled by the winner of Iron Chef.
LED HOURGLASS TRAFFIC LIGHT
Traffic lights are not just annoying, they’re also unpredictable. One often finds—or at least, one often feels—that the red light somehow disproportionately affects vehicles in one’s lane. If people somehow knew the duration of each light and could tell exactly when it will change, we predict that a lot of stress and burst blood vessels would be avoided. Well, there is a way to test this hypothesis, and it is with these traffic lights that have a countdown timer telling people precisely when the lights will change. It just might be the most worthwhile investment a city can make to reduce the concomitant stress of traffic.
PIZZA SCISSORS
For when those rolling pizza cutters just don’t… uh… cut it, these pizza scissors can be a great alternative! Those wheel cutters work well, to be sure, but not as well as these pizza scissors, which assure a perfect cut in one go. When one uses a wheel cutter, one often finds that one needs to do a second and third pass just to successfully cut through the dough. But not with these pizza scissors—yes siree bob!—they only require a single pass! How genius is this? Indeed, pizza scissors might just beat electricity as the best invention of the millennia!
SMART CONTACT LENSES FOR DIABETICS
This is truly a great invention. Not only will it correct the wearer’s vision, it will also be able to measure their blood sugar. No more needing to prick yourself to measure your sugar levels, because these contact lenses can do all that via your tears. It will look super-duper high-tech, too, because apparently the technology is such that one’s sugar levels will alter the color of the lenses, giving the wearer the ability to immediately assess their own health situation just by looking at the mirror. The maker of these lenses deserves a lot of credit for coming up with something that could, for all practical purposes, save many lives.
FAUCET THERMOMETER
If you’re worried about scalding yourself with hot water, or have the same reservations when giving your baby a bath, then this faucet thermometer, which will measure the temperature of the water and give you an instant readout, might be a product that will interest you. You could, of course, just dip your hand in the water and feel if it’s the right temperature, but where’s the fun in that? It’ll be orders of magnitude more fun if you have a bunch of numbers that tell you what the exact temperature degree is, right? Right!? Actually, we’re not so sure, but it definitely looks like a cool addition to any bathroom.
SEE-THROUGH HIGHLIGHTERS
How many times have you deigned to highlight a passage in a book only to find that you’ve highlighted was the wrong one? None? Well, trust us, it could happen. In fact we don’t remember that it ever happened to us but we’re sure that it must have happened at one point or another. And that inconsequential and almost microscopic risk is exactly what this product was invented to avoid. Now you’ll never have to worry about mistakenly highlighting the wrong passage ever again because the transparency of the highlighter’s tip will assure that you will always see whatever it is you are highlighting. It’s not really a mind-blowing invention, but it can be useful to some degree.
ELECTRICAL CABLE MANAGEMENT BOX
What can be more unsightly than a bunch of tangled up electrical cords? Actually, a lot of things. But that doesn’t make messy and unconcealed electrical cords any less painful to the eyes! One wishes that they would just go away! Of course they are inanimate objects that can’t do that, so until someone comes up with an invention that can make them do, we’ll just have to live with this contraption, which is likely the second-best option. Now you won’t need to have all those cords messing up your flooring, because they can be neatly put to one side, inside the electrical cable management box.
PLANTAR FASCIITIS SOCKS
Are your feet killing you? Figuratively speaking, of course. Because if they are, then this might be the product for you! It even advertises itself as being FDA recommended and feet specialist-approved, which necessarily gives us some level of assurance that they will work to keep the constant pain in your feet at bay. Indeed, these socks—which have been aptly called “Treat my Feet Compression Socks”—are said to have been engineered precisely to keep one’s ankle feeling perfectly compressed. Sure, the design is, to some degree, iffy, but if it works it works, right? These socks may just make foot pain a thing of the past, so they’re definitely worth a try!
LED SLIPPERS
We’ve all been there before. You wake up one night feeling the need to relieve yourself, and as you walk toward the bathroom, you suddenly—accidentally—plant your foot on something hard, which of course leaves you wheezing in pain. Well, kiss those annoying moments goodbye because, with a simple swipe of a credit card, these Led slippers can be yours to enjoy, like your very own Rudolph lighting your way. They will, of course, guide you through the dark and give you the seemingly magical ability to avoid the various pointy objects that have been strewn all over your path to the toilet.
LIGHTSABER ROOM LIGHT
This light will tick a lot of boxes. It looks cool all by itself (it’s a lightsaber, after all), it looks cool as a light fixture (again, it’s a lightsaber), and it will put a smile on the face of anyone who loves Star Wars. Which is pretty much everyone these days. The Star Wars fanatics in your household will absolutely love this. And, what’s more, the light can also apparently be adjusted to eight different colors. So whether you see yourself more as a Sith or a Jedi, it won’t matter, because “eight different colors.” And the degree to which this fixture can light up a room is also something to behold.
LASER BIKE LANE
To those who often bike at night or in various low light conditions, this will be an awesome product to get. We’re not even sure how it works, but from the product’s details, it seems to be able to shoot out laser lights, forming something of a bike lane (made of laser, of course) that will not just be visible from afar but will leave people gaping their jaws with incredulity. It looks really—really!—cool, too! All credit to the inventor of this product who was able to come up with something so functional and space age.
ICE CREAM LOCK
If your annoying roommate doesn’t infrequently shave off the top of your Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for their own consumption without your consent, then perhaps this product will be a boon to you. It’s called the Euphori-Lock, and it does exactly as advertised—i.e., it will lock up your ice cream from the prying hands of other people. And, to the degree that it works, it works well. To be sure, it’s a niche product that will definitely do better than merely making mammalian sounds of disgruntlement against prospective thieves in the household, but only for ice cream, and particularly Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.
DRIP-CATCHING COFFEE CUP
Wiping coffee stains off from your table can be annoying. Indeed, it’s been an eternal mystery since the dawn of coffee cups that they were designed in a way that made unruly coffee dripping a regular and unavoidable occurrence. But don’t fret, because some absolutely enterprising genius designed a non-drip coffee cup that employs a unique side profile to catch those annoying drips. Thankfully, all it takes is a swipe of the credit card for the Drop Rest Mug—the non-drip coffee cup about which we just spoke—to be yours! Now, coffee stains, on your table or on your clothes, can be a thing of the past.
COLANDER CUTTING BOARD
The best inventions are the ones that serve more than one purpose. And this particular product, which ingeniously combines the utility of a colander and a chopping board, is one such product. Chop away at your veggies and rest assured that spillage won’t be a problem because your very own cutting board can be folded into a chute-like colander where you can wash the newly-chopped ingredients away without needing to transfer them to another perforated concoction. To a huge degree, it works! Plus it’s lightweight and easy to store. And, if you’re the type of person who harbored absolutely no interest in kitchen products, well, this will at least be a wonderful gift idea.
CONDIMENT SHOOTER
Let’s just admit that the design of the ketchup bottle has been—and always will be—an abject failure. Ketchup, or any other condiment with the same consistency as ketchup for that matter, will simply remain as inaccessible as they’ve always been if stored in that absolute joke of a bottle design. One will simply have to accept the act of banging at the side of the bottle to get the ketchup out as routine. Or do they? Well, not anymore, because this Condiment Shooter resolves those headaches quite easily, and in a fun design no less. With this contraption, devolving into moral bankruptcy just to get the ketchup out the bottle will be a thing of the past.
IRONING BOARD MIRROR
Did you ever once wish that your ironing board could turn into a mirror so you can put on and eyeball your freshly ironed clothes in a jiffy? Never? Well, I’ll just assume you never once fantasized about the idea because you never thought such a thing possible. But now you can fantasize away, and even turn that fantasy into reality. Because all it takes is a swipe of your credit card for this ironing board mirror to be yours. Now you won’t have to expend so much effort to, you know, look at another mirror. Just flip your ironing board and one will be presented for you.
WATER STERILIZER AND AIR PURIFIER FOR YOUR FOOD
Germaphobes can rejoice because this sterilizer/purifier will do the time-consuming task of eliminating germs from food for them. We’re not exactly sure how it works, but if it does as advertised, then it nothing short of an amazing product. Not just that, it apparently can eliminate germs from all kinds of objects and spaces, too—kids’ toys, clothes, or small spaces in the house, you betcha! Just put it close to wherever you think germs multiply in wild abandon and voila, it will do everything for you. This will definitely be a great investment for any home.
UMBRELLA HAT FOR BABIES
Babies seem to hate water splashing in their faces, and for good reason—they’re babies, after all! But your baby won’t have to suffer those dastardly droplets spattering in their faces if you grab your credit card and purchase for them this fun and cute looking umbrella hat. Sure, it might look ridiculous on your baby, but trust us, your baby won’t mind! It’s not like your baby will suddenly be acutely aware of what his peers within the household think of his fashion choices, anyway! So just grab this umbrella hat for them to make bath time doubly fun.
INFLATABLE BACKSEAT MATTRESS
Now your car can double as a home! A really scrimpy one, that is. In any case, this inflatable backseat mattress might be an excellent idea for those who enjoy occasionally living in their car, because it can be put at the back seat to act as an…um… inflatable backseat mattress. Had a long trip and need to take a nap? Well, why spend on a hotel room or suffer the uneven proportions of your car seat when you can simply buy this mattress, prop it up on your vehicle’s back seat, and take a trip to dream town in a jiffy! We think this will be a great investment to the ‘off-the-beaten-path’ kind of adventurer.
BOTTLE OPENER RING
Now you can open a bottle wherever you are. Some people can open bottles with their teeth, but why should anyone go to such extremes when this ring bottle opener is available and will cost less than having your front teeth replaced? There will also be absolutely no reason to go fishing for a bottle opener at the most inopportune of moments, either, because you can simply slide this ring out of your finger and get the job done. Then lift your head up and wait for the applause from your buddies for being so MacGyver-ish. Trust us, this will be a great investment, and your social life will thank you for it!
SANTA’S FLASK
Now you can gratify your alcoholism this holiday season while keeping the habit under everyone’s radar with this stocking-like flask. It looks like a normal Christmas stocking that’s been hung to accent the holiday season, but no! Unbeknownst to everyone, it’s actually a flask, shaped into a Christmas stocking that contains alcohol, that magical and mind-altering psychoactive substance that you can’t get enough of. It could be the perfect gift, too, for that buddy of yours who, like you, is a few years away from irreversibly damaging his liver! The Holiday season just got a whole lot more exciting with this Santa’s Flask, so what are you waiting for? Reach out for your credit card and get yours!
CAT CRIB
Now your cat can feel just as farcical as a baby with his very own… Cat Crib! Indeed, it’s space-saving, too, because it can be placed under any chair or sofa. Your cat will love it, and you will find yourself expressing constant sentimental and sugary approval at the sight of your cat swinging away as though in feline heaven. Think of it as an investment in your relationship with your cat. And we say this because your cat will love you for it. Trust us, the days of loving your cat unrequited will surely be over, and it will be thanks to the cat crib!
FLASKTIE
If you can’t wait for the holidays to grab a Christmas Stocking Flask, then rejoice because we have another product for you. Introducing the FlaskTie, a tie that can hold your favorite alcoholic beverage so you can sip your way to insobriety without anyone noticing. Are your regular office meetings unbearable? Well, now they’ll be more fun! Do you need to be more creative? Creativity is just a sip away. So, what are you waiting for? Take out your credit card and order now. I mean, sure, you might lose your job, and sure, it’s a bad idea to drink at work. But come on, you know you want to!
CHEMISTRY SPICE SET
If the kitchen is a place from which you can’t escape despite your skill in this area being verifiably substandard, then at least you can give yourself the visual experience of being a scientist as you concoct the inedible. Yes, this Chemistry Spice Set will do just that. It looks cool, and it will make you, to some degree, look more serious than you actually are. You’ll look like a legitimate white coat who’s formulating the cure for cancer as you spice up your dinner. Your dinner will end up being vomited by your loved ones anyway, so you might as well enjoy yourself. Besides, if people end up hating what you made—and they likely will—you can chalk it up as another bad “experiment.”
GROOVED SPAGHETTI FORKS
Some people secretly cut their spaghetti with a knife so it can be scooped up more easily with a fork. But that ignoble practice needn’t be done anymore, because this Grooved Spaghetti Fork will make the act of eating spaghetti a much more pleasant experience. You can twist your spaghetti on this fork like you normally would and not worry about having it slither away. The carefully designed grooves located at the inner part of the fork’s teeth will provide an adequate amount of friction to make sure your spaghetti stays in place. Indeed, this utensil will be a great investment for the spaghetti lover in you.
THE DOGBRELLA
Don’t you know that dogs need to be kept away from the rain, too? And you can do just that by getting yourself (and your dog) this weirdly-designed Dogbrella. Now your dog can walk with confidence in the rain without having to suffer the ignobility of being all drenched up. And you can rest assured that you’re doing the right thing by making this investment in your fussy pooch. After all, he will love you for it. Or, actually, he might not give a single whit because he’s not as preening as you are, but it’s a risk worth taking nonetheless!
HOME SAUNA
Can’t afford to install a real sauna at your home? Well, do not fret, because this portable Home Sauna might be just the thing that will lighten up your day. It’s portable! Yes, it will make you look like a weirdo, but nobody has to see you inside the cheap $200 dollar pleasure pod anyway. You can look like a weirdo in the privacy of your own home, away from your neighbor’s prying eyes. Also, they are absolutely space-saving, too. You can fold it and keep it tucked in the closet when not in use. This thing is definitely a great investment for people who love to go to the sauna but can’t due to new social distancing laws!
BENDDESK
There’s just something about a work desk that elicits a yawn. It is outright boring to look at, and the association with work makes it doubly so. Nobody wants to be on a work desk if they didn’t need to. But those anxieties may be a thing of the past, with the BendDesk. Not only does it bend, which is funky in itself, it also has a touch screen, where work can easily blend—or bend!—with play. Indeed, it looks like a huge bent tablet slapped onto a desk. This will definitely be a great investment for those who want to have more fun while they work.
QUANTUM TELEPORTER
Imagine all the time you can save if you had a contraption that could teleport you to anyplace you desire. Tesla will go bankrupt once this Quantum Teleporter became advanced enough to teleport actual human beings. Right now it can only teleport photons, which is downright boring. But just you wait another decade or so, and who knows all the things this gadget straight out of Star Trek will be able to do. You will never be late for work, or for a date. And, to a huge degree, any food you have delivered will be there within a few minutes.
VIRTUAL KEYBOARD
Are you tired of having to type on annoyingly narrow surfaces? Especially if you’re typing on a mobile phone, what choice do you have? Our digits were, to a huge degree, simply not built for the ever-shrinking keyboards people are coming up with. But this anxiety can be a bad memory with this new Virtual Keyboard which can project onto any surface. Now you can type on something in the size of an actual keyboard, but isn’t as bulky to carry as one. Sure, it might take some getting used to, but given the short time we’ve managed to acclimate ourselves to onscreen keyboards, we’re sure it won’t be much of a problem.
SHADOW ART CANDLEHOLDER
Make your candlelit dinner infinitely more romantic with these Shadow Art Candleholders. They come in a variety of designs that will project onto your wall and will spruce up all of your low-light occasions. They will make you look like a modern-day Don Juan, trust us! They look really cool! In fact, you might just ditch using electricity altogether because of how cool the candles in your home will look. Festoon your home with these magical candle ornaments and invite your friends. They will elevate you to the top of the socio-sexual hierarchy in no time!